Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Give Your Brain & Heart a Boost on World Chocolate Day

To prepare for this post, I ate a couple of Snickers Minis.

Cheerful woman eating chocolate © Can Stock Photo konradbakToday is World Chocolate Day. Chocolate is good for the heart and brain, studies show, so if you have been avoiding it to slim down you just may have a stupid heart attack. It also reduces stress in women, which is why chocolate is a popular and heartwarming Valentine’s Day gift.

Forget why you walked into a room? Drink a cup or two of hot chocolate.  Harvard Medical School scientists found that drinking two cups of hot chocolate a day reduces memory decline in old folks. It apparently increases blood flow to the brain for two to three hours. But you don’t have to be a geezer to enjoy the benefits. Flavonoids in chocolate have been shown to increase brain power in youngin’s too.

A study conducted in Denmark found consumption of dark chocolate results in a significantly lower risk of being diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, a dangerous type of irregular heartbeat. The study didn’t say you wouldn’t develop it, only that you won’t be diagnosed with it. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Speaking of bliss, chocolate also is associated with increased endorphins, that feel-good brain chemical. It triggers a neurotransmitter similar to consuming marijuana. A legal high in all states! (Keep this quiet though so the government doesn’t feel a need to regulate or outlaw it.) Chocolate is so powerful that its buzz lasts longer than the most passionate kiss, according to one study.

Which doesn’t mean chocolate will slow you down in bed. The compound theobromine in chocolate is thought to make it a mild aphrodisiac.

Chocolate also contains a substantial amount of magnesium, which reduces stress by suppressing the release of the stress hormone cortisol.

So stop stressing about eating chocolate and instead embrace its benefits to your brain and heart. Give it to a lover and you just may get lucky tonight. World Chocolate Day: Valentine’s Day in July.

Resources:

Sunni, Ahmed Al, and Rabia Latif. “Effects of chocolate intake on Perceived Stress; a Controlled Clinical Study.” International Journal of Health Sciences. October 2014. Accessed July 07, 2017. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4350893/.

Alban, Deane. “9 Brain Boosting Benefits of Dark Chocolate.” Be Brain Fit. June 19, 2017. Accessed July 07, 2017. https://bebrainfit.com/brain-benefits-dark-chocolate/.

“Health | Chocolate ‘better than kissing’.” BBC News. April 16, 2007. Accessed July 07, 2017. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6558775.stm.

Nordqvist, Joseph. “Chocolate: Health Benefits, Facts, and Research.” Medical News Today. June 1, 2016. Accessed July 07, 2017. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/270272.php.

“Study strengthens case for heart benefit in chocolate.” Harvard Gazette. June 26, 2017. Accessed July 07, 2017. http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/06/study-strengthens-case-for-heart-benefit-in-chocolate/.

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Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications and author of Write It, Speak It: Writing a Speech They’ll APPLAUD! Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

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Snarky New Yorkers Tell Cubs Fans, “You’re Welcome”

Is this the Year of the Tony?

Chicago Cubs fans can thank two snarky New Yorkers for the Cubs advancing to Major League Baseball’s World Series.

portrait-of-funny-goat-looking-to-camera-can-stock-photo-inc-stranger28It started nearly two years ago when my brother moved in and our Mets-Nationals rivalry heated up. Jim is a diehard Mets fan. I root for the home team wherever I happen to call home. For the past 18 years, home has been the greater Washington, DC, area.

Neither of us had followed baseball closely in many years. Jim had lived in the Carolinas, where baseball is nonexistent. I lived with my wife and two daughters, where testosterone was nonexistent.

Things heated up during the 2015 season as the Mets and Nationals fought for supremacy. The Nats faltered in August and never recovered. Nonetheless, Jim and I rooted for our respective teams on Labor Day at Nationals Park.  I hoped for a comeback, but the Mets won the game 8-5 and went on to win the Division title. They beat the Chicago Cubs in the Pennant Series to advance to the World Series, where the Kansas City Royals knocked them out in five games.

During the course of the 2015 season, Jim and I had assigned the Chicago Cubs to my son-in-law, Tony. We did it as a joke. Tony had never followed sports before. It seemed natural to assign him the Cubs, a perennially hopeless team. The Cubs finished 2014 with a 73-89 record. They had not advanced to the World Series since 1945. They hadn’t won a World Series since 1908. They had the curse of the goat, placed on them in 1945 by Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis when his goat, Murphy, was either banned from the stadium or removed from the stadium, depending on what story you want to believe.

Separate from being an unwitting Cubs fan, Tony is enchanted by goats. He often talks about buying enough land to run a goat farm.  In 2016, goat-loving Tony became a Cubs fan for real and paid attention to the games and standings. On Saturday—Tony’s 32nd birthday and the 46th anniversary of Sianis’ death—the Cubs shut out the Los Angeles Dodgers 5-0 to advance to the World Series. Tony is ecstatic.

Jim and I are bummed. The Mets blew the Wild Card game at home against the San Francisco Giants. The Nats, once again, failed to progress beyond the Division Series, losing to the Dodgers two games to three. It wasn’t our year.

It’s goat-enamored Tony’s year. Will Tony break the curse? If so, Jim and I say to Cubs fans, “You’re welcome.”


Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications and author of Write It, Speak It: Writing a Speech They’ll APPLAUD! Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

Vote for the We Party!

My fellow Americans, I am honored to run for president of these United States as the candidate of the We Party! This is HUUUGE! We are going to Make America Intoxicated Again! Intoxicated with Freedom! Intoxicated with Security! And Just Plain Intoxicated! We can all agree on that, can’t we?

intoxicated-red-hatWhen I am your president—and I will be your president—you can bet on that—we are going to fill our highways with driverless cars. We already have a lot of them on the road now. Anybody drive here today? Did you look at the other cars around you? With texters, makeup artists, and breakfast eaters, we already have driverless cars! But we’re going to make every car a safe, reliable, driverless car. Oh, I know the wimp Obama issued driverless car “recommendations” last week. More red tape. Red lights really. But we’re going to put government money on the road and create jobs. Lots of jobs. So many jobs you won’t believe it. And, with driverless cars navigating the highways and byways for us, we can get rid of those pesky open container laws—because We Party!

As your president, I will solve the Aleppo problem. No one knows Aleppo better than me. No one. Full of despicables and deplorables. Aleppo is an acronym, you know. It stands for: Alleged Libertarian Education Perfectly Preserves Obtuseness. Sad, very sad. We must bring knowledge to the third parties again. Particularly the Libertarians, because they want to legalize pot, which we support—because We Party!

Speaking of acronyms, I will ban them from the federal government. Ban them. No one hates acronyms more than I do. No one. They’re confusing and the antithesis of transparency. Did you know there are 10 different meanings for the acronym AA, including Any Agency? I. Kid. You. Not. Having 10 AA acronyms could drive someone to Alcoholics Anonymous in a driverless car. As your president, I will defund Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s a wasted program. Completely wasted. But I will increase funding for Planned Parenthood because of its obvious consequence of We Party!

I will outlaw gyms so no one ever has to exercise again! Gyms are an anti-American, socialist conspiracy. America doesn’t have an obesity epidemic! We have a success epidemic. America is the fattest nation in the world because we’re the richest. We have lots of food to eat, and we do, because Americans don’t want to waste it. Skinny people are losers. Losers! True Americans show their pride in our country by pigging out when We Party!

Speaking of American pride, NATO needs to be strengthened to protect western civilization’s right to We Party! Puny Putin is trying to exert his influence in the world. But he has tiny hands. Very tiny hands. And China continues to exert its military might. But while protecting American interests, we must be careful not to block vodka or egg rolls. Both are key ingredients when We Party!

But we will build a wall—and make Canada pay for it. Because as the great American Lewis Black said, Canada is where the cold comes from. Cold is important to beer. That’s why God invented refrigerators—to keep the cold contained. But we don’t want the cold to drift in and put a big damper on our backyard barbecues. (As your president, I will ensure you receive a tax credit for every new barbecue you buy. You can thank me later.) Now I can see some confusion in your faces. You thought we were going to build a wall along our southern border. Certainly not! That’s where tequila comes from. Building a southern wall would be the antithesis to We Party!

My fellow Americans, we live in sobering times. But we can Make America Intoxicated Again and eat, drink, and be merry. So vote for the We Party! I guarantee a new high for America!


Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications and author of Write It, Speak It: Writing a Speech They’ll APPLAUD! Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

Media Musings: Have a heart. Eat nuts to save society.

Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.

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© 2014 Tom Pfeifer

Current as of Dec. 26, 2014

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Just 40 percent of Americans eat nuts on a daily basis, according to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Drawing of an acorn with crazy eyesI can understand that. Nuts have gotten a bad rap. Turn on the television, open a newspaper, or watch your “friends” on Facebook and the prevalence of nuts is clear. It can seem cannibalistic to have a nut craving. But a case can be made that eating nuts are not only healthy for us as individuals, but for society as a whole. I hope to make that case here.

Let’s begin by looking at some of the nuts who walk among us and decide if they are not tasty little critters after all.

We start with Dr. Mehmet Oz, a syndicated talk show host billed as “America’s doctor.” According to a study published in the British Medical Journal this month, the doctor is a quack. More than half of Dr. Oz’s televised medical recommendations are prescriptions for disaster.

“Consumers should be skeptical about any recommendations provided on television medical talk shows, as details are limited and only a third to one half of recommendations are based on believable or somewhat believable evidence,” the paper stated.

If Dr. Oz is a nut, though, what about his patients? Nearly 3 million Americans watch The Dr. Oz Show every day. It’s one of the top five talk shows in the United States. Certainly the audience should be shelled and their meat exposed for consumption too.

Voters fall into that mass cracked shell category. Joseph Morrissey knows that well. Morrissey has been jailed for fisticuffs and had lost his law license for a decade. But the voters keep voting him in. His last office was that of a Virginia delegate. His last offence was to have an alleged sexual relationship with a 17-year-old intern in his state office, who now is suspected of carrying his child. I say alleged because he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor while still denying guilt.

The 57-year-old received a six-month work release sentence, which meant he could have been making sausage in the capital during the day while spending his nights in jail. But Morrissey did the honorable thing and resigned his seat. Subsequently, he declared himself a candidate in the special election to replace him. Will the nuts congregate in the bowl and send one of their own back to the statehouse?

Serial 911 caller Martha Rigsby proves that all the nuts in the nation’s capital don’t work in the nation’s Capitol. Rigsby had been averaging seven ambulance rides a month. Determined to lower the lights-and-sirens rate, the court appointed Rigsby a guardian. After the appointment, Rigsby’s ride rate shot up to 13 a month.

This month, Rigsby was hauled before Judge Erik P. Christian, deputy presiding judge of the Washington, D.C., Superior Court probate division. Enter Demetric Pearson, who seems to be a peach of a guy, even if he’s son of a pear. Pearson and Rigsby dated five years ago for about two weeks. Since then they have been friends. Pearson regularly takes Rigsby shopping and on other errands. It was in that capacity that he happened to be at the courthouse when Rigsby appeared before Judge Christian.

Being Christian, the judge couldn’t fathom why Rigsby and Pearson couldn’t spend even more time together in the hopes that their togetherness would create sparks rather than lights and sirens. Pearson, being among the 60 percent of Americans who don’t eat nuts, prefers to keep their relationship platonic. After the hearing, he admitted to being shell-shocked at the judge’s suggestion.

“He can’t force me into a relationship,” Pearson told The Washington Post. Nuttier things have happened, Son of Pear.

Those are a just sampling of nuts served up in the news this month. Now for the nutritional value.

Nuts of the vegetative variety are known to lower the risk of heart disease. They are high in protein, nutrients, and calories. Just a handful a day is all you need.

Nuts of the hominid variety are also high in protein, particularly the muscles. The brain is high in fat and glucose, and therefore a great source of energy. Humans are said to taste like pork, and who doesn’t like bacon? Although the federal government has failed to issue recommended servings, I suggest you ingest heavily to deplete the surplus population.

Eat some nuts today. The life and society you save may be your own.

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 Sources

Brittain, Amy. “D.C. judge resorts to matchmaking in effort to end 30 years of 911 calls.” The Washington Post. 20 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/crime/dc-judge-resorts-to-matchmaking-in-effort-to-end-30-years-of-911-calls/2014/12/20/dedfff12-8168-11e4-8882-03cf08410beb_story.html

Brown, Lauren. “10 Things You Always Wondered About Cannibalism.” Business Insider. 31 May 2012. http://www.businessinsider.com/10-things-you-always-wondered-about-cannibalism-2012-5

McCoy, Terrence. “Half of Dr. Oz’s medical advice is baseless or wrong, study says.” The Washington Post. 19 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/12/19/half-of-dr-ozs-medical-advice-is-baseless-or-wrong-study-says/

Sun, Lena H. “Only four in 10 Americans eat nuts. Here’s why that’s a problem.” The Washington Post. 22 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2014/12/22/only-four-in-10-americans-eat-nuts-heres-why-thats-a-problem/

Vozzella, Laura, and Weiner, Rachel. “Del. Joseph Morrissey resigns in wake of conviction — and promises to run again.” The Washington Post. 18 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/virginia-politics/va-del-joseph-morrissey-to-resign-in-wake-of-conviction-but-run-again-for-his-seat/2014/12/18/f50bef1e-86cf-11e4-b9b7-b8632ae73d25_story.html


Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications. Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

Media Musings: Uptick in ticks when Dating Naked

Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.

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© 2014 Tom Pfeifer

Current as of August 30, 2014

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I’m writing this naked. That’s why the words are blurred. If your eyes are ogling this essay and it’s not blurred, I’m going to sue WordPress for allowing my naked thoughts to be so provocatively displayed.

No sex on beach insigniaThat has to be the thinking behind Dating Naked star Jessie Nizewitz’s suit against Viacom and two production companies. She’s suing them for not blurring the front of her behind while wrestling her date in her birthday suit. No one has a right to see her naked when she’s dating naked and wrestling naked on a naked beach.

By the way, if you haven’t seen the pictures, Nizewitz looked hot! Not scorch-birds-in-mid-air hot, though. To be scorch-birds-in-mid-air hot you need to be a BrightSource Energy plant in the Mojave Desert. And a BrightSource she’s not.

BrightSource planted 300 garage-size, solar energy mirrors in the desert to bring environmentally friendly energy to Los Angeles and Las Vegas. These mirrors are so hot that federal wildlife investigators report an average of one bird every two minutes lights up in a puff of smoke as they attempt to fly over them. Plant workers call the flying flamers “streamers.” Thousands of birds a year disintegrate in puffs of smoke. Not all take a direct hit, of course. Some just have their feathers burned away, which makes them streaking streamers and more akin to chicks wrestling naked on the sand. Others that don’t take a direct hit merely have their gooses cooked.

If that doesn’t bug you, what if you had a cooked goose but couldn’t eat it because you got ticked off? Or ticked on, to be more accurate.

The tick in question is the Lone Star tick. Meat-eaters bitten by the Lone Star tick develop a meat allergy. Which would be fine, if the tick really was a Lone Star tick. Texas could use a few more laid back vegans. But you won’t find it in Texas. It’s an eastern bug. One Long Island, New York, allergist confirmed 200 cases. Within hours of being bitten, victims develop a high sensitivity to meat. One victim couldn’t even eat raspberry-filled pastries because the artificial flavoring contains a chemical made from the anal scent glands of the North American beaver. Come to think of it, I’ve given up raspberry-filled pastries too.

Colorado has been bugged by an uptick in children being hospitalized after eating marijuana-laced goodies. That led to a proposal to limit the active pot ingredient in food products and to ensure the labels clearly state these are not toddler treats. These treats are reserved for mommies and daddies with toddlers.

And if Mommy and Daddy still get the munchies after munching marijuana morsels, they can pig out on a bag of potato chips. Just be careful what you say around that bag of chips. MIT researchers have developed a tool to listen in on conversations by recording the vibrations your speech makes on the bag. It’s not just your paranoia after all. Being afraid of a 9-year-old girl shooting an Uzi? That’s unfounded paranoia. Being afraid of a bag of potato chips? That’s just good sense.

And good sense is rampant in that state where marijuana possession for personal use is still illegal: California. Proving that you can go so far left to be on the right, California has devised an ingenious new abstinence program for college campuses. Under the pending law, to have sex, the couple would have to explicitly agree to the undertaking. It’s called the affirmative consent standard and colleges and universities would have to incorporate it to be eligible for federal funding. Some have interpreted the law as requiring “students to agree to a verbal or written contract before sex.”

“Sign here and here, andAnonymous couple signing contract initial here and here. OK, good. I’ll have it notarized and we’re good to wrestle naked on the beach.”

But wait. The language also requires mutual consent “ongoing throughout the sexual activity.”

“Um, we’ve been at it for five minutes now. We need to re-up the contract.”

Men with premature ejaculation issues would be exempt from this provision.

It’s just not worth it. I’m getting dressed now. This column just doesn’t turn me on anymore.

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This column is dedicated to the memory of Robin Williams. We had some good laughs, didn’t we?


Sources

Coffman, Keith. Reuters. “Colorado’s edible pot facing proposed tighter rules on packaging, potentcy.” The Washington Post. 3 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/colorados-edible-pot-facing-proposed-tighter-rules-on-packaging-potentcy/2014/08/03/473643be-1b4d-11e4-ae54-0cfe1f974f8a_story.html

Feltman, Rachel. “MIT researchers can listen to your conversation by watching your potato chip bag.” The Washington Post. 4 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/08/04/mit-researchers-can-listen-to-your-conversation-by-watching-your-potato-chip-bag/

Locher, John. The Associated Press. “Emerging solar plants scorch birds in mid-air.” WTOP. 18 August 2014. http://www.wtop.com/884/3683752/Emerging-solar-plants-scorch-birds-in-mid-air

Sullivan, Gail. “California bill defines what it means to say ‘yes’ to sex.” The Washington Post. 29 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/08/29/california-bill-defines-what-it-means-to-say-yes-to-sex/

Sullivan, Gail. “Firing-range instructor hands 9-year-old an Uzi. Now he’s dead.” The Washington Post. 27 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/08/27/firing-range-instructor-hands-9-year-old-an-uzi-now-hes-dead/

Talmon, Noelle. “‘Dating Naked’ Star Files Lawsuit After VH1 Fails To Blur Her Private Parts.” Starpulse. 22 August 2014. http://www.starpulse.com/news/Noelle_Talmon/2014/08/22/dating_naked_star_files_lawsuit_after_


Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications. Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

Media Musings: Catty Klingon fowl downed Malaysian jet

Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.

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© 2014 Tom Pfeifer

Current as of July 26, 2014

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Artist's rendering of an airliner crashing into a man's forehead

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / Whiteisthecolor

When Malaysia Flight 17 crashed in the Ukraine, the rebels were struck by a lack of blood tainting the wreckage. The passengers, in fact, had been dead several days before the crash, according to Russian media.

We know that isn’t true, of course. What is true is that U.S. President Obama ordered Russian President Putin to down the plane because Swedish scientist Hauteir Hokes, an expert on chemtrails, had proof that airliner exhaust was tainted with government-added mind control substances. The other passengers were collateral damage.

Which may or may not be true. But what is true is that Russia has invaded American homes with feline spies. One blew its cover recently. Kush, a Russian blue, attacked its owners, Teresa and James Gregory, in their Florida home. The attack was so vicious that the Gregorys retreated to their bedroom, where they called 911. Kush was taken away. According to mainstream media accounts, the cat was taken to an animal shelter for 10 days of observation before being returned to the couple. My impeccable sources, however, tell me that the so-called “animal shelter” was actually a re-education center run by the Russian mob.

Mainstream media, of course, is part of the cover-up, which is why they failed to disclose the all-important occupations of Teresa and James Gregory. My sources tell me they work on a supersensitive and super-secret NSA human behavior-modification program and have been known to bring documents home with them, where Kush had easy access. They have stopped that practice and, once the Russians released Kush from the re-education center, the Gregorys had her sexual organs removed as punishment.

Mainstream media, while intimating the Ukrainian rebels are demented, also are covering up the fact that the rebels suffer from dementia. The proof is in the pictures from the crash site, where the rebels are pictured wandering around the wreckage strewn with rotting corpses and making no attempt to cover their noses. Researchers have discovered that a decreased sense of smell is an early indication of dementia. The researchers used scratch and sniff tests for their studies, but crash and sniff tests are just as effective.

What really stinks, however, is the Malaysians shot down their own plane. They did so because most of the passengers were Dutch. Having the geographic knowledge of the average American, Malaysian authorities thought the Dutch are from Denmark, because, after all, both start with D. Denmark, of course, is the largest pork-consuming nation on the planet. Malaysians eat no pork. They do, however, eat a lot of chicken, which is on its way to outpacing pork as the most consumed animal. According to my sources, by taking out the Dutch, they hoped to drive up the demand for chicken and capitalize on the growing chicken industry.

The real culprit, of course, is not the chickens. It’s Kush and his cushy friends. Ever wonder why cat videos are so popular on the Internet? Mind control. We’re naturally drawn to cats, one University of Kent philosopher proposes, because they look like human babies—“their big eyes, smallish noses, and dome-shaped heads trigger the evolutionary nurturing instincts that we have evolved toward babies.” This makes them perfect foils for the sort of mind control the Gregorys have been working on at the NSA. When Kush realized she and her kind were being used, she rebelled.

But Kush’s rebellion comes too late. The Internet mind-control program has been fully implemented. Scopes confirms this, as well as confirming that Ukrainian rebels are actually the descendants of Klingons who crash-landed here 300,000 years ago. We refer to them even today as Neanderthals. The destruction of MH17 was an evolutionary act. Still reeling from being abandoned by their ancestors, they believed they were shooting down the mother ship.

You’re reading this on the Internet, aren’t you? Then it must be true.

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Sources

Associated Press. “Couple bringing crazed cat home after calling 911.” WTOP. 19 July 2014. http://www.wtop.com/681/3664344/Crazed-Cat

“Countries Compared by Lifestyle > Food and drink > Pork > Consumption per capita. International Statistics at NationMaster.com.” USDA Census of Agriculture. Aggregates compiled by NationMaster. Accessed 27 July 2014. http://www.nationmaster.com/country-info/stats/Lifestyle/Food-and-drink/Pork/Consumption-per-capita

Demirjian, Karoun. “Russians have many theories about the MH17 crash. One involves fake dead people.” The Washington Post. 22 July 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/russians-have-many-theories-about-the-mh17-crash-one-involves-fake-dead-people/2014/07/22/9a1c5ec9-11b6-4384-b585-53fff62e5779_story.html

Ferdman, Roberto A. “The coming global domination of chicken.” The Washington Post. 14 July 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/07/14/the-coming-global-domination-of-chicken/

Kunkle, Fredrick. “Alzheimer’s researchers hunt for new tools to identify disease’s onset.” The Washington Post. 13 July 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/alzheimers-researchers-hunt-for-new-tools-to-identify-diseases-onset/2014/07/12/d458222e-092a-11e4-bbf1-cc51275e7f8f_story.html

Stein, Perry. “Why Do Cats Run the Internet? A Scientific Explanation.” New Republic. 1 March 2012. http://www.newrepublic.com/article/politics/101283/cats-internet-memes-science-aesthetics


Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications. Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

Media Musings: Wrestling with gaiety

Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.

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© 2014 Tom Pfeifer

Current as of Feb. 22, 2014

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It has been a gay month.

Wrestler in Mexican wrestling mask in front of Mexican flag

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / lunamarina

What could make you more jovial, for instance, than to discover that former wrestler and third-party Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura is in hiding? U.S. drones apparently have driven him to an “undisclosed location” in Mexico. Well, actually, I’m pretty sure the drones didn’t drive Jesse. He probably drove himself. But the drones certainly followed him to the border. Jesse was able to hide after crossing over because the U.S. would never violate another country’s sovereign airspace.

Jesse would like us to thank him. He’s employing Mexican workers who would have fled to the U.S. for jobs if it weren’t for him.

Now, doesn’t that make you gay?

With fourteen children, “Octomom” Nadya Suleman obviously isn’t gay. Her gayness took another hit this month when she was hit with a fourth charge of welfare fraud. It seems she forgot to disclose the income she received from performing in porn videos, posing topless for magazine spreads, and boxing with other infamous personalities who make the rest of us shake our heads.

But don’t shake your head too hard. Excessive head shaking is known to create football brain, which is an unhappy condition because there aren’t any gays in professional football. Well, at least not yet and not openly. Those who were gay hid in the closet with Jesse who, I’m sure, hasn’t a jolly bone in his body. But the fantasy of gay-free football vanished when All-American University of Missouri defensive end Michael Sam, who is to penetrate the NFL draft in May, announced he was gay a few weeks ago. His prospects in the draft slipped from the ninetieth-best to the 160th overnight. NFL teams fear his gaiety would be a distraction – and that there would be too many defensive ends in the locker room.

Now his prospects for getting paid to tackle grown men and make them cry like little girls have dimmed. And going down on the history books – oops, a typo – going down in the history books as the first gay professional athlete has also been torn asunder. That honor goes to NBA Brooklyn Nets center Jason Collins, whose ten-day professional contract inked the deal. Collins doesn’t drool when playing with manly men, but he does dribble on the court. Perhaps that’s why it’s only a ten-day contract.

Another gay milestone was erected in Montgomery County, Maryland, when openly gay Boy Scout Pascal Tessier was awarded his Eagle Scout badge, the highest rank to be achieved in the scouts. Tessier is believed to be the first openly gay Eagle Scout honored since the national council agreed to turn a blind eye to the sexuality of youths. But the seventeen-year-old will have to shed his uniform in a few months when he turns eighteen. Can’t have swishing adult scouts.

It’s a good bet Tessier was taught in coed classrooms. But where would he have landed had he been taught in nearby Prince George’s County? There, educators are going back to the future by separating the genders in middle school because, with all those teenage hormones raging, having boys and girls together is a distraction the size of an NFL defensive end. So, would Tessier have been taught with the girls to minimalize his distractions, thereby making it a coed classroom?

It’s enough to make your brain hurt. So we best get ourselves to Colorado, where smoking marijuana is legal but same-sex marriage is not. It’s a place where you can be deliriously happy but not gay. In fact, it’s become a marijuana tourist mecca.

“Dream that little creampuff dream, pot patriots,” high-life reporter Andrea Sachs wrote in The Washington Post. Just don’t be an open creampuff unless you plan to join the nine gay couples who have sued to overturn Colorado’s ban on gay marriage.

In Minnesota, whence our illustrious former wrestler (it’s so real!) and governor hails, you can marry someone of the same gender, but you can’t be happy. And perhaps that’s the real reason for Jesse’s retreat to the drug-lord-laden south. If you live in a fantasy world, being gay just isn’t enough for true happiness.

###

Sources

Babb, Kent. Mike Jones contributed. “Michael Sam’s announcement prompts NFL to examine what it considers a ‘distraction.’” The Washington Post. 10 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/michael-sams-announcement-prompts-nfl-to-examine-what-it-considers-a-distraction/2014/02/10/e5f6d088-9293-11e3-84e1-27626c5ef5fb_story.html

Coffman, Keith. “Same-sex couples challenge Colorado ban on gay marriage.” Reuters. 19 February 2014. http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/02/20/us-usa-gaymarriage-colorado-idUSBREA1J04C20140220

Kopan, Tal. “Jesse Ventura hiding from drones.” Politico. 5 February 2014. http://www.politico.com/story/2014/02/jesse-ventura-drones-103144.html

Rogers, John. The Associated Press. “‘Octomom’ faces additional welfare fraud charge.” AP News. 5 February 2014. http://bigstory.ap.org/article/octomom-faces-additional-welfare-fraud-charge

Sachs, Andrea. “A new Rocky Mountain high: Colorado open for cannabis tourism.” The Washington Post. 6 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/travel/a-new-rocky-mountain-high-colorado-open-for-cannabis-tourism/2014/02/06/75c5a66e-8cf7-11e3-98ab-fe5228217bd1_story.html

Vargas, Theresa. “An openly gay Eagle Scout achieves a milestone in Montgomery County.” The Washington Post. 10 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/an-openly-gay-eagle-scout-achieves-a-milestone-in-montgomery-county/2014/02/10/ccd132b4-929e-11e3-b46a-5a3d0d2130da_story.html

Wiggins, Ovetta. “Students at Prince George’s school learn in single-gender classrooms.” The Washington Post. 10 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/boys-and-girls-learn-separately-at-prince-georges-school/2014/02/10/8e242ec2-8eac-11e3-b46a-5a3d0d2130da_story.html

Youngmisuk, Ohm; Shelburne, Ramona; and Stein, Marc. Mike Mazzeo and Arash Markazi contributed. “Nets sign Jason Collins.” ESPN.com. 24 February 2014. http://espn.go.com/new-york/nba/story/_/id/10506550/jason-collins-sign-brooklyn-nets


Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications. Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

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