Media Musings: Have a heart. Eat nuts to save society.

Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.

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© 2014 Tom Pfeifer

Current as of Dec. 26, 2014

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Just 40 percent of Americans eat nuts on a daily basis, according to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Drawing of an acorn with crazy eyesI can understand that. Nuts have gotten a bad rap. Turn on the television, open a newspaper, or watch your “friends” on Facebook and the prevalence of nuts is clear. It can seem cannibalistic to have a nut craving. But a case can be made that eating nuts are not only healthy for us as individuals, but for society as a whole. I hope to make that case here.

Let’s begin by looking at some of the nuts who walk among us and decide if they are not tasty little critters after all.

We start with Dr. Mehmet Oz, a syndicated talk show host billed as “America’s doctor.” According to a study published in the British Medical Journal this month, the doctor is a quack. More than half of Dr. Oz’s televised medical recommendations are prescriptions for disaster.

“Consumers should be skeptical about any recommendations provided on television medical talk shows, as details are limited and only a third to one half of recommendations are based on believable or somewhat believable evidence,” the paper stated.

If Dr. Oz is a nut, though, what about his patients? Nearly 3 million Americans watch The Dr. Oz Show every day. It’s one of the top five talk shows in the United States. Certainly the audience should be shelled and their meat exposed for consumption too.

Voters fall into that mass cracked shell category. Joseph Morrissey knows that well. Morrissey has been jailed for fisticuffs and had lost his law license for a decade. But the voters keep voting him in. His last office was that of a Virginia delegate. His last offence was to have an alleged sexual relationship with a 17-year-old intern in his state office, who now is suspected of carrying his child. I say alleged because he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor while still denying guilt.

The 57-year-old received a six-month work release sentence, which meant he could have been making sausage in the capital during the day while spending his nights in jail. But Morrissey did the honorable thing and resigned his seat. Subsequently, he declared himself a candidate in the special election to replace him. Will the nuts congregate in the bowl and send one of their own back to the statehouse?

Serial 911 caller Martha Rigsby proves that all the nuts in the nation’s capital don’t work in the nation’s Capitol. Rigsby had been averaging seven ambulance rides a month. Determined to lower the lights-and-sirens rate, the court appointed Rigsby a guardian. After the appointment, Rigsby’s ride rate shot up to 13 a month.

This month, Rigsby was hauled before Judge Erik P. Christian, deputy presiding judge of the Washington, D.C., Superior Court probate division. Enter Demetric Pearson, who seems to be a peach of a guy, even if he’s son of a pear. Pearson and Rigsby dated five years ago for about two weeks. Since then they have been friends. Pearson regularly takes Rigsby shopping and on other errands. It was in that capacity that he happened to be at the courthouse when Rigsby appeared before Judge Christian.

Being Christian, the judge couldn’t fathom why Rigsby and Pearson couldn’t spend even more time together in the hopes that their togetherness would create sparks rather than lights and sirens. Pearson, being among the 60 percent of Americans who don’t eat nuts, prefers to keep their relationship platonic. After the hearing, he admitted to being shell-shocked at the judge’s suggestion.

“He can’t force me into a relationship,” Pearson told The Washington Post. Nuttier things have happened, Son of Pear.

Those are a just sampling of nuts served up in the news this month. Now for the nutritional value.

Nuts of the vegetative variety are known to lower the risk of heart disease. They are high in protein, nutrients, and calories. Just a handful a day is all you need.

Nuts of the hominid variety are also high in protein, particularly the muscles. The brain is high in fat and glucose, and therefore a great source of energy. Humans are said to taste like pork, and who doesn’t like bacon? Although the federal government has failed to issue recommended servings, I suggest you ingest heavily to deplete the surplus population.

Eat some nuts today. The life and society you save may be your own.

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 Sources

Brittain, Amy. “D.C. judge resorts to matchmaking in effort to end 30 years of 911 calls.” The Washington Post. 20 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/crime/dc-judge-resorts-to-matchmaking-in-effort-to-end-30-years-of-911-calls/2014/12/20/dedfff12-8168-11e4-8882-03cf08410beb_story.html

Brown, Lauren. “10 Things You Always Wondered About Cannibalism.” Business Insider. 31 May 2012. http://www.businessinsider.com/10-things-you-always-wondered-about-cannibalism-2012-5

McCoy, Terrence. “Half of Dr. Oz’s medical advice is baseless or wrong, study says.” The Washington Post. 19 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/12/19/half-of-dr-ozs-medical-advice-is-baseless-or-wrong-study-says/

Sun, Lena H. “Only four in 10 Americans eat nuts. Here’s why that’s a problem.” The Washington Post. 22 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2014/12/22/only-four-in-10-americans-eat-nuts-heres-why-thats-a-problem/

Vozzella, Laura, and Weiner, Rachel. “Del. Joseph Morrissey resigns in wake of conviction — and promises to run again.” The Washington Post. 18 December 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/virginia-politics/va-del-joseph-morrissey-to-resign-in-wake-of-conviction-but-run-again-for-his-seat/2014/12/18/f50bef1e-86cf-11e4-b9b7-b8632ae73d25_story.html


Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications. Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Karen Hibdon on December 29, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Tom, I always knew you were nuts, but this column is definitely all it was cracked up to be. Enjoyed the tidbit!

    Sent from my iPhone

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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