Media Musings: In fine bullying fettle

Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.


© 2014 Tom Pfeifer

Current as of May 31, 2014


Old white man sticking out tongue with thumbs in ears and fingers wiggling

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / atic12

Did your out-of-pocket expenses skyrocket along with your premiums once Obamacare went into effect? Mine did too. Obamacare has forced us to find alternative means to remain healthy and keep our healthcare costs down.

On my end, of course, I could quit smoking and drinking. But that ain’t gonna happen. I could cut back on my binge eating. But I still hold out hopes of coming out of the closet and slamming grown men for pay as a professional football player. You have to eat big and be big for that. In the 1960s, Roger Brown of the Detroit Lions was the NFL’s only 300-plus-pound player. Now they’re a dime a dozen, which is how many years ago offensive lineman Aaron Gibson became the game’s first 400-pound player.

I’m halfway to achieving my goal. I’m offensive. Now I just need to become a lineman.

My offensiveness, I’ve discovered, is what will keep me healthy. A study published earlier this month in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences determined there are long-term health benefits to bullying. Bullies, it turns out, have lower rates of cardiovascular and metabolic diseases. Bullying is the new yoga. Therefore, the remainder of this column is a prescription for elevating my health. Most of the bullied-to-come deserve it anyway.

My dad used to say that the only way to deal with a bully was to bully back, so let’s start with that worthless piece of crap, L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling. I’m coming over and, with the help of my hefty NFL friends, I’m going to hang you by your testicles from an NBA-regulation hoop and have the boys dunk their balls on your boys, kneeing you in the face on the way up. Then we’ll see who owns who, you demented hog.

I’m sorry. Was that too over the top? Nah, I didn’t think so either.

Maybe we’ll send Joni Ernst over to tame Sterling. Ernst is running for the Republican nomination to the U.S. Senate in Iowa. She was relatively unknown until she ran a television ad proclaiming, “I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm,” and promised to “make ’em squeal” in Washington. The ad went viral on YouTube and Ernst went from an unknown to a contender in weeks. But she’s still not a sure thing. If you want to win, Joni, take a detour to the City of Angels and make this pig squeal. That video would assuredly go viral.

Oh, I feel so diabolically metabolically healthy!

It’s apparently politically incorrect to bully women these days, at least judging from the mainstream media coverage in the aftermath of Elliot Rodger gunning down pretty women at the University of California, Santa Barbara. He gunned them down because pretty women routinely dissed him. They dissed him because they were pretty and he was a creep.

But a particular female circuit court judge in Montgomery County, Maryland, is just aching for an atomic wedgie. When now-judge Audrey Creighton was a lowly public defender, she represented Rickley Joshua Senning, an already convicted violent felon less than half her age. I don’t know if it was lust at first sight, but lovers they became. That is, until he surprised her by violently kidnapping her in an apparent drunken rage. Now one may argue that Creighton has been bullied enough by Senning and I shouldn’t pile on. But when you’re that stupid, the wedgies keep coming. Besides, my cardio needs the workout. (Senning, no doubt, is as healthy as a racehorse. He also undoubtedly knows that “bully” was derived from the 1500s Dutch word for “sweetheart.” I slap because I love.)

NASA deserves to be cyberbullied for hyping a giraffe that NASA said would spit out hundreds of camels an hour. Instead, sky watchers got skunked. Let me explain. The May 23 Camelopardalids meteor shower was predicted to rival the prestigious Perseid meteor shower, with more than 200 meteors streaking across the sky each hour. Oh, yeah, NASA did mention the storm could be the dud that it was, but it was just a whisper among the hype. They called it the Camelopardalids, a scientific name that contains a camel, not a giraffe, but still tried to persuade us they called it that because the meteors will appear to spit from the giraffe constellation. Astute observers will note the scientific name also ends with a lid on it, which is what happened to the shower. And they wonder why geeks get picked on.

That’s enough of a workout for today. Obamacare is not going to get any cheaper and I need to save some bully medicine for a future dose. Fortunately, I’ll never run out in my lifetime.



Babb, Kent. “Ex-NFL linemen discover that weighing 300 pounds or more is no asset in life after football.” The Washington Post. 28 May 2014.

Chappell, Bill. “Tonight’s New ‘Giraffes’ Meteor Shower Could Be A Great One.” NPR. 23 May 2014.

Medina, Jennifer. “Campus Killings Set Off Anguished Conversation About the Treatment of Women.” New York Times. 26 May 2014.

McCoy, Terrence. “Donald Sterling blames woman for his own racial comments: ‘I was baited.’” The Washington Post. 12 May 2014.

Morse, Dan. “Montgomery police seek suspect for allegedly abducting a judge from home where they lived.” The Washington Post. 23 May 2014.

Rucker, Philip, and Balz, Dan. “How Joni Ernst’s ad about ‘castrating hogs’ transformed Iowa’s U.S. Senate race.” The Washington Post. 11 May 2014.

Sullivan, Gail. “The health benefits of bullying.” The Washington Post. 13 May 2014.

Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications. Reach him at


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