Media Musings: Oh, deer. Attack!

Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.


© 2013 Tom Pfeifer

Current as of Dec. 28, 2013


Mule looking over fence.Dateline: Willow Street, PA, Dec. 2, 2013. Two mules commit suicide in an attempt to take out a deer hunter. They succeed.

Dateline: Ashburn, VA. Dec. 7, 2013. A buck commits suicide trying for a twofer by taking out a driver and a jogger simultaneously. He fails.

Dateline: Rosario, Argentina. Dec. 26, 2013: Bathers seeking relief from the heat are attacked by a school of palometas, a relative of the piranha. Seventy are bitten. There are amputations. “This is not normal,” Federico Cornier, Rosario’s director of emergency services, said.

Why is the animal kingdom on the attack, you might ask. Taking out the deer hunter is our first clue. You may remember from last month’s column the story about wild boars taking over large swaths of territory and laying waste to the land that man had claimed as his own. They’re taking back what’s rightfully theirs. Deer adhere to the same mission. As do any number of other species. The time of man is ending, or so these fanatical animals believe, and it is their job to hasten it along.

From their point of view, man is abusive to the extreme and his demise is long overdue. Among the many experiments we have performed on our sentient cousins: We remove the anterior-medial temporal lobes of monkeys to see how they will react. The fact it makes them less sexually inhibited turns us on and leads to more experiments. We also use them as space guinea pigs. The U.S. and Soviet Union did so early in their space programs, and Iran has sent two monkeys into space this year. Better a dead monkey than a precious human.

The most popular cable TV show is about a family of duck hunters, so popular that the A&E Network had to back down from suspending family patriarch Phil Robertson for expressing in a national magazine the views he has long vocalized – like ducks are fun to kill and good eating to boot.

We keep killer whales in captivity and then are surprised when they kill, as a whale did to its trainer at SeaWorld Orlando in 2010.  “These animals evolved to range over thousands of miles over their lifetime, and they keep them in a large swimming pool,” PETA member J.D. Applen of Melbourne noted to the Orlando Sentinel.

It’s become so horrible that some captive animals have resorted to committing suicide to escape their fate. In Egypt, the independent newspaper Al-Masry Al-Youm reported in August that the animals at Cairo’s Giza Zoo had been considering suicide for some time because of the animals’ poor treatment. Earlier this month, Al-Masry Al-Youm reported that a giraffe named Roqa had followed through on that threat. A bear riot in May resulted in the death of three bears, zoo officials also reported.

Even when we release our captives, we prove our inhumanity toward them. In the words of the New York Times:

“For more than a decade, four hens and a drake have marched twice daily from a marble mallard-size penthouse set up on the Peabody’s roof overlooking the Old State House here, into a glass-enclosed elevator, and through the lobby to splash around in a grand indoor fountain. Then, last spring, the Memphis-based Peabody Hotel Group completed the sale of its Little Rock location to Marriott International Inc., and the ducks took their final waddle.”

The domesticated ducks were released into the wild, just in time for hunting season. Robertson’s Arkansas kin have easy pickings.

Then there’s the kill-the-species-to-save-the-species mindset. The Dallas Safari Club will present a permit to the highest bidder that gives him the right to hunt a near-extinct double-horned rhinoceros in Nambia. Funds from the auction will be used to save the species. Just not the one the winner kills. After all, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.

The animal world is fed up and gagging on our inhumanity. Which is why you will see more and more fur, feather, and scaled suicide ambushes and mass attacks. I suggest you stay home and stay indoors. But keep an eye on your dogs and cats. Word has it they’re in on it too.



The Associated Press. “2 mules cause fatal 3-vehicle Pennsylvania crash, police say.” Fox News. 2 December 2013.

The Associated Press. “Iran Reports Sending Another Monkey Into Space.” New York Times. 14 December 2013.

Reuters. “Biting fish injure more than 70 bathers in Argentina.” Yahoo News. 26 December 2013.

Breen, David. “Protesters demand end to killer-whale shows at SeaWorld.” Orlando Sentinel. 22 December 2013.

Carter, Bill, and Slotnik, Daniel E. “Bowing to Pressure, A&E Revokes Suspension of ‘Duck Dynasty’ Star.” New York Times. 27 December 2013.

Chatterlee, Anjan. Salon. “Orgasm for dummies: Neuroscience explains why sex feels good.” Social Reader. 9 November 2013.

Chozick, Amy. “Hotel Ducks Gone Wild May End Up in Hunters’ Sights.” New York Times. 24 December 2013.

Flaherty, Mary Pat. Caitlin Gibson and Jennifer Jenkins contributed. “Flying deer hits runner in Loudoun.” The Washington Post. 7 December 2013.

Hauslohner, Abigail. “Giza Zoo in Cairo is beset by poverty, tear gas and suspicious animal deaths.” Washington Post. 18 December 2013.

Tinsley, Anna M. Fort Worth Star-Telegram. “Dallas auction for the right to hunt endangered black rhino stirs uproar.” The Washington Post. 24 December 2013.

Tom Pfeifer is the managing partner and chief strategist for Consistent Voice Communications. Reach him at


One response to this post.

  1. Excellent. I have long admired the apes and chimps of the planet of the apes and wondered why those English- speaking simian haven’t had brighter Hollywood futures. Then I saw the latest sequel and see that the animals are becoming the next national security threat. unless the brave defenders at NSA have hired Dr. Doolittle or Tarzan they won’t be able to listen in…..



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