Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.
© 2014 Tom Pfeifer
Current as of August 30, 2014
I’m writing this naked. That’s why the words are blurred. If your eyes are ogling this essay and it’s not blurred, I’m going to sue WordPress for allowing my naked thoughts to be so provocatively displayed.
That has to be the thinking behind Dating Naked star Jessie Nizewitz’s suit against Viacom and two production companies. She’s suing them for not blurring the front of her behind while wrestling her date in her birthday suit. No one has a right to see her naked when she’s dating naked and wrestling naked on a naked beach.
By the way, if you haven’t seen the pictures, Nizewitz looked hot! Not scorch-birds-in-mid-air hot, though. To be scorch-birds-in-mid-air hot you need to be a BrightSource Energy plant in the Mojave Desert. And a BrightSource she’s not.
BrightSource planted 300 garage-size, solar energy mirrors in the desert to bring environmentally friendly energy to Los Angeles and Las Vegas. These mirrors are so hot that federal wildlife investigators report an average of one bird every two minutes lights up in a puff of smoke as they attempt to fly over them. Plant workers call the flying flamers “streamers.” Thousands of birds a year disintegrate in puffs of smoke. Not all take a direct hit, of course. Some just have their feathers burned away, which makes them streaking streamers and more akin to chicks wrestling naked on the sand. Others that don’t take a direct hit merely have their gooses cooked.
If that doesn’t bug you, what if you had a cooked goose but couldn’t eat it because you got ticked off? Or ticked on, to be more accurate.
The tick in question is the Lone Star tick. Meat-eaters bitten by the Lone Star tick develop a meat allergy. Which would be fine, if the tick really was a Lone Star tick. Texas could use a few more laid back vegans. But you won’t find it in Texas. It’s an eastern bug. One Long Island, New York, allergist confirmed 200 cases. Within hours of being bitten, victims develop a high sensitivity to meat. One victim couldn’t even eat raspberry-filled pastries because the artificial flavoring contains a chemical made from the anal scent glands of the North American beaver. Come to think of it, I’ve given up raspberry-filled pastries too.
Colorado has been bugged by an uptick in children being hospitalized after eating marijuana-laced goodies. That led to a proposal to limit the active pot ingredient in food products and to ensure the labels clearly state these are not toddler treats. These treats are reserved for mommies and daddies with toddlers.
And if Mommy and Daddy still get the munchies after munching marijuana morsels, they can pig out on a bag of potato chips. Just be careful what you say around that bag of chips. MIT researchers have developed a tool to listen in on conversations by recording the vibrations your speech makes on the bag. It’s not just your paranoia after all. Being afraid of a 9-year-old girl shooting an Uzi? That’s unfounded paranoia. Being afraid of a bag of potato chips? That’s just good sense.
And good sense is rampant in that state where marijuana possession for personal use is still illegal: California. Proving that you can go so far left to be on the right, California has devised an ingenious new abstinence program for college campuses. Under the pending law, to have sex, the couple would have to explicitly agree to the undertaking. It’s called the affirmative consent standard and colleges and universities would have to incorporate it to be eligible for federal funding. Some have interpreted the law as requiring “students to agree to a verbal or written contract before sex.”
“Sign here and here, and initial here and here. OK, good. I’ll have it notarized and we’re good to wrestle naked on the beach.”
But wait. The language also requires mutual consent “ongoing throughout the sexual activity.”
“Um, we’ve been at it for five minutes now. We need to re-up the contract.”
Men with premature ejaculation issues would be exempt from this provision.
It’s just not worth it. I’m getting dressed now. This column just doesn’t turn me on anymore.
This column is dedicated to the memory of Robin Williams. We had some good laughs, didn’t we?
Coffman, Keith. Reuters. “Colorado’s edible pot facing proposed tighter rules on packaging, potentcy.” The Washington Post. 3 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/colorados-edible-pot-facing-proposed-tighter-rules-on-packaging-potentcy/2014/08/03/473643be-1b4d-11e4-ae54-0cfe1f974f8a_story.html
Feltman, Rachel. “MIT researchers can listen to your conversation by watching your potato chip bag.” The Washington Post. 4 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/08/04/mit-researchers-can-listen-to-your-conversation-by-watching-your-potato-chip-bag/
Locher, John. The Associated Press. “Emerging solar plants scorch birds in mid-air.” WTOP. 18 August 2014. http://www.wtop.com/884/3683752/Emerging-solar-plants-scorch-birds-in-mid-air
Sullivan, Gail. “California bill defines what it means to say ‘yes’ to sex.” The Washington Post. 29 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/08/29/california-bill-defines-what-it-means-to-say-yes-to-sex/
Sullivan, Gail. “Firing-range instructor hands 9-year-old an Uzi. Now he’s dead.” The Washington Post. 27 August 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/08/27/firing-range-instructor-hands-9-year-old-an-uzi-now-hes-dead/
Talmon, Noelle. “‘Dating Naked’ Star Files Lawsuit After VH1 Fails To Blur Her Private Parts.” Starpulse. 22 August 2014. http://www.starpulse.com/news/Noelle_Talmon/2014/08/22/dating_naked_star_files_lawsuit_after_