Editor’s note: This is another in my series of monthly musings on the news, published on the Sunday following the last Saturday of each month, except when it’s not.
© 2014 Tom Pfeifer
Current as of Feb. 22, 2014
It has been a gay month.
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / lunamarina
What could make you more jovial, for instance, than to discover that former wrestler and third-party Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura is in hiding? U.S. drones apparently have driven him to an “undisclosed location” in Mexico. Well, actually, I’m pretty sure the drones didn’t drive Jesse. He probably drove himself. But the drones certainly followed him to the border. Jesse was able to hide after crossing over because the U.S. would never violate another country’s sovereign airspace.
Jesse would like us to thank him. He’s employing Mexican workers who would have fled to the U.S. for jobs if it weren’t for him.
Now, doesn’t that make you gay?
With fourteen children, “Octomom” Nadya Suleman obviously isn’t gay. Her gayness took another hit this month when she was hit with a fourth charge of welfare fraud. It seems she forgot to disclose the income she received from performing in porn videos, posing topless for magazine spreads, and boxing with other infamous personalities who make the rest of us shake our heads.
But don’t shake your head too hard. Excessive head shaking is known to create football brain, which is an unhappy condition because there aren’t any gays in professional football. Well, at least not yet and not openly. Those who were gay hid in the closet with Jesse who, I’m sure, hasn’t a jolly bone in his body. But the fantasy of gay-free football vanished when All-American University of Missouri defensive end Michael Sam, who is to penetrate the NFL draft in May, announced he was gay a few weeks ago. His prospects in the draft slipped from the ninetieth-best to the 160th overnight. NFL teams fear his gaiety would be a distraction – and that there would be too many defensive ends in the locker room.
Now his prospects for getting paid to tackle grown men and make them cry like little girls have dimmed. And going down on the history books – oops, a typo – going down in the history books as the first gay professional athlete has also been torn asunder. That honor goes to NBA Brooklyn Nets center Jason Collins, whose ten-day professional contract inked the deal. Collins doesn’t drool when playing with manly men, but he does dribble on the court. Perhaps that’s why it’s only a ten-day contract.
Another gay milestone was erected in Montgomery County, Maryland, when openly gay Boy Scout Pascal Tessier was awarded his Eagle Scout badge, the highest rank to be achieved in the scouts. Tessier is believed to be the first openly gay Eagle Scout honored since the national council agreed to turn a blind eye to the sexuality of youths. But the seventeen-year-old will have to shed his uniform in a few months when he turns eighteen. Can’t have swishing adult scouts.
It’s a good bet Tessier was taught in coed classrooms. But where would he have landed had he been taught in nearby Prince George’s County? There, educators are going back to the future by separating the genders in middle school because, with all those teenage hormones raging, having boys and girls together is a distraction the size of an NFL defensive end. So, would Tessier have been taught with the girls to minimalize his distractions, thereby making it a coed classroom?
It’s enough to make your brain hurt. So we best get ourselves to Colorado, where smoking marijuana is legal but same-sex marriage is not. It’s a place where you can be deliriously happy but not gay. In fact, it’s become a marijuana tourist mecca.
“Dream that little creampuff dream, pot patriots,” high-life reporter Andrea Sachs wrote in The Washington Post. Just don’t be an open creampuff unless you plan to join the nine gay couples who have sued to overturn Colorado’s ban on gay marriage.
In Minnesota, whence our illustrious former wrestler (it’s so real!) and governor hails, you can marry someone of the same gender, but you can’t be happy. And perhaps that’s the real reason for Jesse’s retreat to the drug-lord-laden south. If you live in a fantasy world, being gay just isn’t enough for true happiness.
Babb, Kent. Mike Jones contributed. “Michael Sam’s announcement prompts NFL to examine what it considers a ‘distraction.’” The Washington Post. 10 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/michael-sams-announcement-prompts-nfl-to-examine-what-it-considers-a-distraction/2014/02/10/e5f6d088-9293-11e3-84e1-27626c5ef5fb_story.html
Coffman, Keith. “Same-sex couples challenge Colorado ban on gay marriage.” Reuters. 19 February 2014. http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/02/20/us-usa-gaymarriage-colorado-idUSBREA1J04C20140220
Kopan, Tal. “Jesse Ventura hiding from drones.” Politico. 5 February 2014. http://www.politico.com/story/2014/02/jesse-ventura-drones-103144.html
Rogers, John. The Associated Press. “‘Octomom’ faces additional welfare fraud charge.” AP News. 5 February 2014. http://bigstory.ap.org/article/octomom-faces-additional-welfare-fraud-charge
Sachs, Andrea. “A new Rocky Mountain high: Colorado open for cannabis tourism.” The Washington Post. 6 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/travel/a-new-rocky-mountain-high-colorado-open-for-cannabis-tourism/2014/02/06/75c5a66e-8cf7-11e3-98ab-fe5228217bd1_story.html
Vargas, Theresa. “An openly gay Eagle Scout achieves a milestone in Montgomery County.” The Washington Post. 10 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/an-openly-gay-eagle-scout-achieves-a-milestone-in-montgomery-county/2014/02/10/ccd132b4-929e-11e3-b46a-5a3d0d2130da_story.html
Wiggins, Ovetta. “Students at Prince George’s school learn in single-gender classrooms.” The Washington Post. 10 February 2014. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/boys-and-girls-learn-separately-at-prince-georges-school/2014/02/10/8e242ec2-8eac-11e3-b46a-5a3d0d2130da_story.html
Youngmisuk, Ohm; Shelburne, Ramona; and Stein, Marc. Mike Mazzeo and Arash Markazi contributed. “Nets sign Jason Collins.” ESPN.com. 24 February 2014. http://espn.go.com/new-york/nba/story/_/id/10506550/jason-collins-sign-brooklyn-nets
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